[Edited for Agzy’s brilliant picture of A___ Airways. Thanks!]
Back on safe ground after an adventurous return flight under
let’s just call them “intense” circumstances, I have to apologize for missing my *ooof* day yesterday. I was travelling back from a short business trip and was unable to fulfill my duty to the RArmy ;-). In lieu of yesterday’s *ooof*, however, I bring you the latest in travel news. Fresh from the press.
A Practical Guide to RAlove Application
Dublin/Guylty. When travelling by air, emergency situations are at the back of many travellers’ minds. Airlines typically provide a safety demonstration at the start of the flight, accompanied by verbal instructions on how to use the provided safety equipment in the case of an emergency. However, little attention thus far has been paid by conventional air carriers in regards to the mental safety of travellers during an emergency – despite the proven importance of maintaining a positive outlook in adverse or stressful circumstances. Luxury airline A___ Airways (AA) is now breaking new grounds in airline safety by issuing their predominantly female passengers with a practical guide to maintaining ease of mind in an emergency situation. An updated instruction leaflet draws on the power of auto-suggestion and includes bliss-inducing imagery in order to reinforce a positive outlook in less-than positive circumstances.
“In the unlikely event of an aircraft emergency, please lean back and think of A___”, the revised safety leaflet of AA advises their passengers with a humourous nod to a well-known piece of advice offered by an English monarch to her newly wed daughter. “Close your eyes, breathe deeply through your nose and conjure up the smiling blue eyes of our CEO, R___ A___”, the security instructions continue. “It has also been proven helpful to imagine the smooth baritone voice of our founder, whispering soothing words of calm and love to override any negative, external acoustic stimuli that might induce panic during an emergency.” The safety leaflet features illustrations of the airline’s founder which place emphasis on the infinite depth of his clear-blue irises. The leaflet comes in two versions, allowing for the passengers’ individual preference for a hirsute or unbearded visual assistance of the auto-suggestion regime.
Initial tests on an international flight in aggravated conditions including gale force winds, heavy rain fall, darkness, advanced air sickness in-cabin and a go-around after a missed approach have been deemed successful by the participants as well as the airline officials tasked with the realization of the scheme. “A female test participant in seat 2D responded with smiling abandon to the havoc within and without the aircraft”, an AA air hostess tasked with the monitoring and the assessment of the test group disclosed. ” I have to say that Mr A was the one who got me through it all without breaking into hysterics”, a participant, who gave her name as Guylty P., said. “I kept seeing his beautiful blue eyes, intense and full of kindness, and I imagined his warm voice reassuring me that it was all going to be fine, soothing me and distracting me from what was going on around me…” she trailed off, clearly still under the potent suggestive powers of the hypnotic scheme when asked.
Critics of the initiative have cited the damage caused by exploding ovaries as adverse to the intended effect. However, the Federal Aviation Authority has welcomed the AA campaign. “It is imperative to keep passengers calm and collected in emergency situations”, a spokesperson said. “Collaterals such as short-term fertility-malfunctions should be disregarded in view of the overall benefits of the suggestions. A scheme like this should be mandatory on all airlines.” A statement from the founder of AA was not available at time of printing.