T-RA-vel News

/ February 5, 2014

[Edited for Agzy’s brilliant picture of A___ Airways. Thanks!]

Back on safe ground after an adventurous return flight under let’s just call them “intense” circumstances, I have to apologize for missing my *ooof* day yesterday. I was travelling back from a short business trip and was unable to fulfill my duty to the RArmy ;-). In lieu of yesterday’s *ooof*, however, I bring you the latest in travel news. Fresh from the press.

A Practical Guide to RAlove Application

Dublin/Guylty. When travelling by air, emergency situations are at the back of many travellers’ minds. Airlines typically provide a safety demonstration at the start of the flight, accompanied by verbal instructions on how to use the provided safety equipment in the case of an emergency. However, little attention thus far has been paid by conventional air carriers in regards to the mental safety of travellers during an emergency – despite the proven importance of maintaining a positive outlook in adverse or stressful circumstances. Luxury airline A___ Airways (AA) is now breaking new grounds in airline safety by issuing  their predominantly female passengers with a practical guide to maintaining ease of mind in an emergency situation. An updated instruction leaflet draws on the power of auto-suggestion and includes  bliss-inducing imagery in order to reinforce a positive outlook in less-than positive circumstances.

AA visuals“In the unlikely event of an aircraft emergency, please lean back and think of A___”, the revised safety leaflet of AA advises their passengers with a humourous nod to a well-known piece of advice offered by an English monarch to her newly wed daughter. “Close your eyes, breathe deeply through your nose and conjure up the smiling blue eyes of our CEO, R___ A___”, the security instructions continue. “It has also been proven helpful to imagine the smooth baritone voice of our founder, whispering soothing words of calm and love to override any negative, external acoustic stimuli that might induce panic during an emergency.” The safety leaflet features illustrations of the airline’s founder which place emphasis on the infinite depth of his clear-blue irises. The leaflet comes in two versions, allowing for the passengers’ individual preference for a hirsute or unbearded visual assistance of the auto-suggestion regime.

armitage airways by agzyInitial tests on an international flight in aggravated conditions including gale force winds, heavy rain fall, darkness, advanced air sickness in-cabin and a go-around after a missed approach have been deemed successful by the participants as well as the airline officials tasked with the realization of the scheme. “A female test participant in seat 2D  responded with smiling abandon to the havoc within and without the aircraft”, an AA air hostess tasked with the monitoring and the assessment of the test group disclosed. ” I have to say that Mr A was the one who got me through it all without breaking into hysterics”, a participant, who gave her name as Guylty P., said. “I kept seeing his beautiful blue eyes, intense and full of kindness, and I imagined his warm voice reassuring me that it was all going to be fine, soothing me and distracting me from what was going on around me…” she trailed off, clearly still under the potent suggestive powers of the hypnotic scheme when asked.

Critics of the initiative have cited the damage caused by exploding ovaries as adverse to the intended effect. However, the Federal Aviation Authority has welcomed the AA campaign. “It is imperative to keep passengers calm and collected in emergency situations”, a spokesperson said. “Collaterals such as short-term fertility-malfunctions should be disregarded in view of the overall benefits of the suggestions. A scheme like this should be mandatory on all airlines.”  A statement from the founder of AA was not available at time of printing.

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45 thoughts on “T-RA-vel News”

    • Yes – pre-emergency. Because once in, there was no opportunity for serving cocktails – the air hostesses could not hold themselves upright with the plane bucking and swerving underneath them like a raging bull…

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  2. Glad you’re safe!!! And in a good mood to write this hilarious piece that, quite frankly, let me laugh out loud as a helpless crazy old girl. By luck I’m alone at home, otherwise they’d have called an ambulance already. Hopefully set with an appropriate instructions booklet by AA Ambulance Service to mayhem… 😛
    No *ooof* but you gain +1 with your adventure and this short tale. Baci! 🙂

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    • Worst flight in 28 years of flying. I wonder what poor RA thinks of in case he gets into one of those go-arounds on one of his frequent flights? He can hardly calm himself by thinking of his own blue peeps… 😉

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      • Oh my. I’ll have to board a plane on sunday and I hope the weather will be a little bit calmer till then…

        *giggle* I hope Mr. Armitage has something nice in store to calm himself – even if it isn’t as good our imagination 😉

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        • I don’t think these kind of conditions happen very often. A number of flights were diverted last night. (My pilots obviously and stubbornly took the gales and gusts as a challenge…) My consolation always is that there are 2 pilots to make the decisions and that they want to come down safely, too.
          This was the second time, btw, that I suffered a “go-around” (airline speak for “Durchstart”). I think I have had enough of them for the rest of my air-travelling days…
          Good luck for your flight – holidays? Hope you’re going somewhere nice and warm! x

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  5. Whoahoo…. Glad you made it. When did this awful gales start as it was dry and pleasently calm when you left here, right?? This sounded really tough (one need no ride on any of this scary rollercoasters when one experience a terrifying flight like this… ), but gladly you had chosen an appropriate “medicine” to help you through this rolling turmoil. A good girl needs to know, what she must keep in her mind! 😉 I will remember A Airlines when buying my next flight (all-round carefree-package!! Voice included!!). Hopefully it remains affordable and still a bit of an insiders’s tip.
    BTW Have the pilots been truly stubborn Irish guys, knowing their way back to the island blindly??

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    • LOL rollercoaster alright. (And I never EVER volunteer to go on rollercoasters). Yep, Munich was nice and calm when I left in the evening, but the closer we got to Dublin, the rockier the ride became. I flew Aer Lingus, and yeah, the Capt’n was definitely a relaxed Irish lad. When he finally made the announcement after the aborted first approach, he cheerfully said he had not been happy with the “approach pattern” and that we’d be trying again. Hmph.
      AA is an absolute insider’s tip, yes. Their in-flight entertainment is legendary, and their CEO makes it a habit to personally kiss every passenger upon purchase of a ticket. *coughs*

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  7. Happy you returned safely to terra firma! Can think of (all too many) times in past when in need of exact service you have described (though never yet while flying, thankfully…) MUST use this technique next time things hit the fan & can’t do anything about it. AND next time I just want to go to my Happy Place….Ahem. So. Ah, yes:
    Who/what would Mr. A. think about to help him through such stressful moments? (Inquiring, er, NOSY, minds want to know!!
    Hmm, does this just scream fanfic or what? surely someone has written it up before…

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  9. Great travelogue.Guylty. Love your air travel hints for keeping calm in a crisis. So glad you made it home safe and sound with a little help from Mr.Wonderful. Hope you gave appropriate thanks at the shrine.

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  10. Glad you’re home safely Guylty! Our AA CEO helped me get through two long haul flights last year courtesy of Thorin – I watched The Hobbit three times. 😉
    I am a nervous flyer, but thankfully the circumstances were merely those of boredom and difficulty sleeping, unlike yours!

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    • There’s another good point, Mezz. All aircraft should be equipped with viewing devices featuring the Armitage oeuvre. While not useable during take-off and landing, it would provide distraction and entertainment on long- and short-haul flights. Likewise, the in-flight audio entertainment should feature audio books with the soothing voice of Mr A. I suspect ticket sales would rise sharply. 😀

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  11. How about in case of loss of altitude RA will drop from above your seat automatically to give mouth to mouth oxygen resuscitation. Always put yours on first before helping any one else! I have just got back from a flight to Grenada and would have welcomed that scenario (lol) X

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    • LOL – love it, Anney. Mind you, he might be a bit heavy, especially if he “drops” from above. Fully approve of the mouth-to-mouth, though. Only problem: We may need to clone him. But once that is done, maybe we could each take one home?

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  12. Well as this is a fantasy we can have just his head dropping down for the mouth to mouth.His body stays compartmentalized until the end of the flight so instead of leaving with all the other debris we could sneak off with him. Yes cloning is definitely called for every woman (AA) should have one X

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  16. Pingback: Armitage Weekly Round-Up Week 6 | I Want to be a Pin Up

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