Shocker: RAPS Inc. Produces First Non-RA Pocket Shrine
Latest Shrine Edition Renews Doubts about RAPS Inc.’s Commitment to Shrine Subject
Despite desperate attempts at keeping evidence from filtering through, news have emerged that RAPS Inc. has produced drooling material that puts a new subject in the centre of a shrine. Is this an indication that previous shrine subject Richard Armitage will be replaced by a new hottie, Irish actor Ciaran Hinds?
Cloud-Cuckoo-Land. 13 Aug 2015 – Increasing signs indicate that RAPS Inc. is going renegade. After an inglorious episode at the beginning of April 2015, during which the RAPS Inc. leadership acted like a prima donna and announced plans of switching allegiances from previously adored shrine object Richard Armitage to an entirely unsuitable (blonde) Alexander Skarsgard, and changing the company moniker to “ASPS”, speculation has been renewed that the drool facilitator manufacturer is in the process of re-focussing their business. Picture evidence has emerged that RAPS Inc. has produced a “RAPS” that cannot be called “eponymous” anymore: Instead of featuring Richard Armitage, the actor at the centre of the shrine is Irish thesp Ciaran Hinds.
According to the company’s mission statement, “RAPS Inc. is a drool facilitator manufacturer, dedicated to providing high-quality drooling solutions for clients who seek a fun and discreet fangirling experience at home and on the go. We exclusively work with high-end visual material supplied by our shrine subject, Richard Armitage. Our mission is to “Praise the RA, Entertain the FAn”. Our vision reflects our commitment to inspire our clients by leveraging the RAPS’s three key strengths: “Cutting-edge Design,” “Innovative Products,” and “Creative Drooling Solutions.”” In light of the current pocket shrine edition, the adage “RAPS” could not be further from the truth. Covertly obtained images reveal the extent of the betrayal that is currently under foot at RAPS Inc.
While continuing the trademark re-invention of iconic character imagery within a portable shrine solution, RAPS Inc. is placing well-known Irish acting personality Ciaran Hinds in one of his most evocative and romantic roles at the centre of its drool facilitator. Hinds, who is currently treading the boards in a media-effective production of Shakespeare’s Hamlet, is shown as irresistible period-drama hero Captain Wentworth from the much-loved Austen novel Persuasion. Is RAPS Inc. replacing the brooding heat of Northern mill-owner and serial smoulderer Mr Thornton with the shy, confused military charm of Naval profiteer Captain Wentworth?
“From time to time we run experiments in RAPS Inc. to gauge market reaction and future expansion opportunities. We are thoroughly satisfied with our current shrine subject and are not planning to permanently expand our production line for the moment”, a RAPS Inc. spokesperson replied with a standard statement to our e-mail. How come then, that the leaked pocket shrine not only convincingly pairs period pleasure with RL hotness, but also includes deeply personal, confession-style slogans?
A company insider who declined to be named told this publication, “yes, the creative department has been acting suspiciously. But we have been told the Hinds Shrine was produced as a once-off favour to a valued company supporter.” However, evidence points into a different direction, as said creative department has been heard extolling the dreamy qualities of Hinds’ stint as Wentworth on an online-based, specialized Hinds-appreciation publication which surreptitiously goes under the deceptive name of “Linnetmoss”: “Persuasion is my favourite Austen novel, and I remember watching the 1995 BBC film in the cinema back then. It was absolutely no hardship for me to think up a shrine for Mr H, on my watch list ever since Persuasion.”
According to our anonymous source, steps have been taken to ensure the future of undistracted RA drooling. The creative department is currently in intensive re-education in a closed facility where the Armitage oeuvre is on continuous loop, focussing specifically on the tall, dark and handsome British actor’s latest work as Francis Dolarhyde in the US-TV show Hannibal. Mr Armitage’s stint on the critically acclaimed horror-psycho thriller has been widely labeled as “revelatory”, “masterfully acted” and “arousing”, and hopes are high that exposure to the latest, stimulating visual material will bring RAPS Inc.’s creative department back in line. A new shrine edition is expected from RAPS Inc. coming Saturday, between 9 and 11pm, EST.